You drink the CBD mocktail and nibble at the bugs. It’s calming. The reptilian leader of this subterranean cabal pets you like you are a small dog.
“You’re alright, you know that? Most people don’t make it this far. I’m going to show you the real deal.”
He leads you through a hidden doorway behind a tapestry of the Eye of Providence, revealing a long, winding hallway. You pass another door, labeled “Clown College Satellite Office.” He pauses there, smirking. “All the clowns are us, too. Even the birthday ones. We tried to do a sexy clown thing but it didn’t work. The only human bloodline that can make evil clowns sexy have been Australians, but they’re only sexy when they’re fighting Batman. It’s a tricky business. Now we mostly only use the clowns for elections.” He winks, pausing for a laugh.
Further down the hall, you see a room marked HOLLYWOOD MAGIC. Inside, a team of lizard engineers manipulates huge cranks, each one showing a different celebrity. “Crank up the disinformation frequency. Make them think birds are real.” One of the lizard guys turns a dial that chooses which ethnicity is the most evil. He’s moving it away from Russia towards Albania.
At the center of the room is a massive tank, filled with green fluid and a towering humanoid silhouette inside. “This is the final phase,” the reptilian says softly. “The perfect hybrid. Our finest creation: a fitness influencer, a crypto-bro, and a presidential candidate, all in one. Someone like this needs their protein.”
The reptilian gestures to a vast vat of burritos that are being liquified and delivered intravenously. There are about twenty five lizard-style reptilians in the room, as well as an older frog man with white hair and glasses. You see a thermostat, only a few feet from you, that has a handwritten note to keep it hot for reptilian survival.